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| The Secret to a Good Sex Life: How to Improve Sex? |
Valentine's Day is an unpleasant day for a sex therapist. So says Dr. Peggy, a professor at the University of Ottawa's School of Medicine.
"On this day, I meet couples who are very worried," she says.
For people who already have a troubled sex life, the combination of stress and expectations adds to the problem.
So we find out that sex is not as easy or as simple a matter as it is thought to be.
Dr. Peggy trained as a clinical psychologist and sex therapist and has spent years researching the causes of sexual frustration.
In 2018, he wrote an article in which he examined the notions of sex associated with women.
In 2020, he also wrote a book with the help of his long research. This article features an interview with him that was published in Conveyable Magazine.
Some partners want to have sex more than once a day while some want to have sex once a month. Is this normal?
People come to a sex consultant because they have imbalances.
This is a problem because sex is part of one's identity, and when your partner doesn't engage in it, it can feel like you're being rejected while also feeling pressure not to hurt your partner's feelings. It is intense.
Let's look at both sides of the coin. First, tell people who have a high sex drive, is it a disease?
If you read the American Psychiatric Association in 1950, mentions high sex drive as a problem.
In women, it was called 'Nymphomania' while in men it was called 'Satyriasis'.
In the 1950s, such women were given electric shocks or surgically disconnected a certain part of the brain from the rest of the brain.
On the other hand, such men were considered normal.
Then came the sexual revolution and the idea that wanting more sex was some sort of problem was dismissed.
In the 1980s, low sex drive was recognized as a problem and treated.
What has changed in the medical field's understanding of low sex drive in men and women?
In 1987, it was given the name 'hypoactive sexual desire disorder' because of its increased anxiety.
However, in 2013, a distinction was made between male impotence and this disorder, while for women it was said to be a problem of lack of internal desire.
Some experts may suggest that couples who have a lack of desire for sex make some sort of compromise. Is this a good idea?
This is not a good solution. It never gets anyone what they want. However, the patients of the medical professionals become angry with them because they do not trust them.
But the reason such a compromise fails is that instead of treating the real problem, the symptoms are being treated, and it is viewed in terms of time and duration.
The problem may be based on personality or the quality of sex.
That's why I want to know what feelings someone had during the last time we had sex, whether those feelings included fear or the thought that I needed more.
If the problem is in the quality of sex, has it been researched?
Most research has focused on how to improve sex. Most people want sex that makes them feel alive.
In 2005, our team examined people who were completely satisfied with their sex. We wanted to know what they did that made them happy so we could learn from them.
Who were these people?
In my experience, the people who inspired me were those in their 60s, 70s, and 80s who reinvented sex because illness, disability, or social circumstances forced them to do so.
We analyzed a variety of people you wouldn't think of as normal, who had to change their perception of sex for some reason, including older people.
All these people thought about their sex life and decided how it should be.
For the first study, we examined 75 people and interviewed each person for approximately 42 minutes to two hours.
What did you find out about good sex?
Contrary to what we hear in the media, according to which the use of the technique gives arousal, the people we spoke to said that arousal is not necessary for good sex.
According to him, what makes sex better has nothing to do with technique.
Everyone's experience was different, but they shared a few points.
What are these points?
The two points these people mentioned most were the feeling of being present at the moment and feeling connected to their partner in a way that was life-changing.
The rest of the points included intimacy, compassionate interaction with each other, a sense of vulnerability, a combination of risk and fun, and a sense of transcendence.
When we talk about compassionate communication, it's not just verbal communication, but understanding your partner enough to let you know where they want to be touched.
One person described the transcendental state as an experience of flying in a galaxy of light, stars, music, and peace.
Was there a difference in the experiences of men and women in this matter?
Men, Sex differences between women, young and old are often assumed, but in our research, we found that they all had similarities in the factors associated with good sex.
Did you hear something very special?
We interviewed a couple that we can cite as examples. He was retired and said, "We used to have sex three times a week." Now we are 70 years old so we only have sex once a week.
"When we came home from work on Thursdays, we would prepare healthy meals that would last us till Monday," he said.
After that, there was nothing left for us to do. Now we have sex once a week which lasts from Thursday to Monday.
This is a truly extraordinary example, and it is mentioned repeatedly in your book that a good sex life requires a lot of energy, time, and dedication.
Yes. One thing we hear mentioned in the media is that sex happens spontaneously and naturally.
And these same assumptions are shown in Purana. The reality is that good lover put time and energy into this work, and this is a lesson to us that good lovers are made by hard work, not born.
Did your research have clinical benefits?
In 2012 we began to examine how we could benefit couples with sex imbalances from this research.
But psychotherapy is expensive and out of reach for people with limited incomes.
We tried to do group therapy in which we developed a material for eight weeks that we tried to help such couples.
Did it help?
We've researched it for 10 years and it works. This is the short answer.
We saw a marked change in the couples and they were more satisfied than before. And importantly, this change was sustained even after six months.
He noticed an improvement in confidence and communication.