 |
| 'Sexless marriage': 'My husband used to talk to me for hours but when it came to sex, it was different |
When Sundus got married at the age of 30, the occasion was all the more exciting for him because he naturally had a 'high sex drive', i.e. a high libido.
Sundus is an NLP Practitioner by profession and felt that it was a natural fit for him.
Many feelings of a man and a woman are hidden in a marriage relationship, some of which are not usually discussed openly in a traditional society like Pakistan. One of those passions is sex.
Sundus says, "In our society, it is considered inappropriate and sometimes immoral to talk about sex even among married couples, and many relationships break up in the early stages of marriage due to lack of awareness."
The topic of 'sexless' marriage has sparked a new debate on Pakistani social media in recent days. A 'sexless marriage' refers to a married life in which there is no or no sexual relationship between husband and wife.
This topic may be irrelevant to some, but Sundus is one of the hundreds of women whose lives have been affected by it because, according to her, she divorced her husband because of his lack of interest in sex.
Sexual health experts told the BBC that husbands and wives have individual expectations about their sex lives, and when one of their expectations is not met, problems arise in couples, which can lead to problems in their marriages. Can affect life.
"Husband said I don't find him beautiful"
Sundus was very happy to get married but she was equally disappointed with the sex life in her married life.
The rest of our lives were good. My husband would talk to me for hours and take me on long drives, but when it came to sex, things were different.
She said that there was a time in their relationship when she insisted to her husband that she also wanted the same satisfaction in sex that he wanted for himself, but she got to hear very inappropriate names in response.
She says that 'We must have inter-coursed only four to five times in two and a half months of marriage and that too on my insistence.'
According to Sundus, when she repeatedly tried to talk to her husband in this regard, finally, 'my husband told me that he does not find me beautiful, he does not even want children from me, (she said) he does not want me. I don't like anything to do with it.'
After suffering from mental pain and conflict for a long time, Sundus finally got divorced.
"Nine years after the divorce, I am now very happy alone and have moved on from wanting sex," she says. I can't go through this mental pain again.
There are three rooms and a joint family.
But is it the only reason for the sexless marriage that Sundus had to endure?
The answer is no. Victims of sexless marriage are often those couples who have to share the same room with many people due to being a joint family and in such a case the intimacy between the husband and wife decreases and eventually almost disappears. An example of which is Arsalan Parvez.
Speaking to the BBC, Arslan said that they have been married for two years and live in the same house with their three brothers and their children.
I have a one-story house with three rooms in total, and my parents are also alive. Generally, my sisters-in-law and my begum sleep in one room, while all the brothers sleep in the other room, while the parents sleep in one room. Being a newlywed couple, I was given a separate room for the initial period of marriage, but then the situation changed.
Arsalan explains that with so many people under one roof, they are only looking for rare opportunities, which has led to negative effects on their sex life.
Arslan says that due to the lack of sex, he is not able to maintain the relationship with his wife that is normal for a newly married couple and now he is a little worried about the future of his relationship.
"I have seen my son's appearance after marriage, he has become weak"
Psychologists believe that the main reason for divorce is the lack of harmony between the husband and wife, but in a society like Pakistan where the joint family system is strong, the main reason for divorce by a few circles is the maintenance of the spouse of the in-laws. Interference is also reported.
Afshan Farooq's story is similar and according to her, the in-laws' constant interference in her married life led to her separation from her husband. Afshan says that her husband spent less time in his room and more time with his mother.
"In the early days after marriage, whenever my husband came into the room, his family would start receiving phone calls or they would repeatedly knock on the door and call him out sometimes on one pretext or another. Sometimes his sister would come and sit in our room for hours. And these reasons caused problems in our marriage.
Afshan believes that 'when it comes to sexless marriages, people tend to overlook the fact that the sexual relationship will only be stronger if the spouses are allowed to spend time with each other. When I discussed these issues with my mother-in-law, she taunted me and said to my face that she has seen my son's appearance after marriage, he has become so weak. You should bathe a little less.
According to Afshan, his sex life began to be affected due to such taunts and dIf problems start to arise. "I noticed that he believed his mother's words more, which affected not only our general relationship but also our sexual relationship, and soon I realized that there was nothing left in this relationship."
Why the debate on sexless marriage?
Be it Sundus Hoon, Arsalan, or Afshan, many people are now openly talking about sexless marriage on social media and emphasizing that pre-marriage sex education should be emphasized in Pakistan.
Kanwal Ahmed, the administrator of the famous Facebook group 'Soul Sisters', which is known for discussing the challenges faced by women, said on his Twitter a few days ago that a woman on his page told how her married life was ruined due to lack of sex. was affected.
Talking about the post, he said it was the story of a woman who had not slept in the same bed with her husband for twenty-two years. After Kanwal's post, many other women and men also started sharing their personal and intimate experiences on Twitter.
Kanwal wrote in her post that there are many women who we think are living a good life but the reality is completely different.
She says that there are stigmas and silences in our culture around healthy and normal relationships and that talking about sex is shrouded in 'honor'.
Social media user Riz Siddiq wrote that discussing the topic of sex is considered taboo in Pakistan and women shy away from talking about it.
Riz Siddiq said that he was in a sexless marriage for 13 years and as a result, there was a rift in their relationship and which eventually led to the breakup of the marriage.
Things that can lead to misunderstandings and other problems in newly married couples
Dr. Samra Amin, an andrologist, told the BBC that "Sexless marriage is a topic that is so vast that it would take several days to discuss it."
A married couple has individual expectations regarding their sex life and when neither of the expectations is met, problems arise in the couple, which later leads to divorce.''
According to Dr. Samra, "When it comes to sexual pleasure in married life, men have more problems than women." Women don't let men approach because of fear and suppress their emotions.
Dr. Samra says that in the early days of marriage, women are afraid of the pain caused by intercourse, due to which they keep men away from them during sex and do not let them approach, and all this is due to unconscious fear. It is causing.
"If a man is restrained during sex, the man loses his erection, and then it is usually not easy for men to get an erection again, and if this continues, these newly married couples It leads to unfounded misunderstandings and other problems.'
Dakar Samra has said that "now they have so many cases where sometimes boys complain that they are not satisfied with their sexual relationship and sometimes girls tell them that their husbands are not able to satisfy them."
Dakar Samra also mentioned that she also comes across cases where girls complain that their husbands are unable to have sex even in a closed room for fear that because of the joint family, some Do not listen to their voice.
Many women come and say that their husbands are afraid that someone might be listening with their ears at the door. In this case, I tell them to either turn on the TV or turn on the music.
When it comes to women, they are often worried that their husbands do not allow them to sit with them or even hold hands in front of their families. On this, Dr. Samra said that both men and women should understand the sensitivity of relationships and move forward with a balance.
Sex education: What should be known about sex before marriage?
Dr. Samra says that in our society when it comes to sex, is considered to be a very inappropriate topic.
They say that it is very important that the couple should be aware of their sex life before marriage and they should also know how to conduct their sexual relationship. He also said that husband and wife should think about the declining sexual relationship and try to solve it together.
They say that both should take care of each other's sexual needs.
He has given the following suggestions in this regard:
In the initial 'honeymoon period' of marriage, new couples should gradually develop sexual intercourse, this helps both to understand each other's sexual needs.
Both should be aware of each other's moral and religious concepts and move forward jointly with sensitivity.
A man should try to understand a woman in this matter because women have certain expectations regarding sex that men should not ignore.
How many times a week or month to have sex should be decided together in advance so that both are mentally prepared.