 |
| Exaggerated Compliments and Gifts: Signs of 'love bombing' that signal danger |
We've all seen that movie, and read that book where the first meeting quickly turns into a dizzying emotional love affair.
According to psychologists, behind this Dev Malay story may lie a form of emotional deception known as 'love bombing'.
But what is love bombing?
It is usually to give attention and affection to a romantic partner, profusely and overwhelmingly, as is usually the case in the very early stages of a relationship.
This seemingly romantic and well-intentioned behavior can, however, be part of a cycle of psychological abuse.
Alejandra, a designer from Colombia, told BBC Mundo: "I had just come out of a relationship where I was getting nothing, and I quickly got into another relationship."
'He invited me to everything, he'd always pick me up for coffee, we'd talk all day, he'd go to the gym with me, he'd wait for hours to take me home and he'd take me to my mum's. He also took it to Milan. I became very overwhelmed.
Phrases like 'I can't stop thinking about you', 'I just want to make you happy', or 'I want to be with you all the time' are nice, but they can also sometimes be a warning. Healthy relationship boundaries are being crossed.
Sure, the difference between a love bombing and a healthy infatuation can be somewhat blurry. In fact, it's normal to feel hopeless in love in the early stages of a relationship because hormones and neurotransmitters are at their peak.
Experts agree that there's nothing wrong with getting carried away with deep, intense displays of affection.
Two moments
Our brains are perfectly trained to ensure that situations that have led to feelings of happiness, such as gifts, affection, and kind words, are repeated. This is what is known as a reward system.
For example, it is the same system that helps us connect with our parents (or caregivers) as children and is essential for our personal development.
The state of being bombarded with love actually takes advantage of this very function of the brain. First, a person who acquires intense love behaviors learns to expect these behaviors (rewards) from their partner and responds positively when they receive them. And he creates a picture in his head of his partner as the perfect lover.
Colombian designer Alejandra says she quickly became emotionally attached to her new partner.
It made me very excited. He even suggested that we study together in England. All this happened less than two months after it started.
But then, in an instant, the love bomber takes away from his partner what he was giving him.
A love-bombed person, for example, may agree to cancel plans with friends or family in hopes of feeling special and loved again by their partner.
Or in a more complicated scenario, you can agree to a special sexual act to relive that beautiful moment in your relationship. In the end, he wonders how he will not do all this because his partner always gave love generously.
"He started acting weird, he wasn't very visible anymore and I started to feel very unstable, anxious, and confused," says Alejandra. I began to think that I was an extremist. We were talking all the time and suddenly he disappeared completely.'
'When we met again at the end of the week, she changed her behavior and complained to me about not taking the birth control pills. It hurt me a lot because I loved the idea of having a baby with him.'
Over time the relationship becomes a cycle: when the abuser feels that he is losing power over his partner, he resumes pretending to be more affectionate to win her back.
The Psychology of the Love Bomber
As with almost any villain, the Love Bomber isn't just a monster but has his own problems.
In contrast, most of the time love bombing is a strategy used unconsciously and is a logical response to narcissistic traits and low self-esteem. This is the result of a study by Professor Clare Strutzenberg of the University of Pennsylvania.
She explains that, by expressing this overflowing love, what the bombers are really hoping for 'is confirmation that they are loved and beautiful and wanted.'
On the other hand, people who have had a few healthy relationships in their lives are more prone to love bombing, says Charlie Huntington, a psychologist specializing in romantic relationships at the University of Denver.
The illusion of being deeply loved can lead them to feel a particularly powerful connection, and thus they may be vulnerable to deception.
How do you know if this is happening to you?
There are no objective indicators that you are experiencing love bombing. The same behavior can be harmless (and even healthy) in one relationship and problematic or harmful in another. In the end, it all depends on how true and sincere you are and for what purpose it is done, and it may be impossible to read into the actions of others.
However, if you're feeling overwhelmed by the love and attention you're receiving from your partner and feel like it's all too intense to be true, here are 7 signs you're being love bombed:
According to Huntington, 'The most obvious sign of love bombing is that these people's behavior is blown out of proportion. That is, saying 'I love you' in the first week when other people don't even have the necessary trust is a sign of danger.
Someone telling you they want to spend all their time with you may sound romantic, but it could be the first step toward alienating you from your friends and family. Isolating you is a very effective strategy for abusers to gain power and control over you.
Definitions that overwhelm. Saying that you're the most beautiful person they've ever known or that you're everything they've ever dreamed of might not be as romantic as it sounds. Watch out for exaggerated compliments that sound like they're not specifically for you.
Giving too many gifts can be a form of entrapment, especially if they make you feel like you have to compensate them in some way.
Love bombers communicate excessively, for example, talking to their partners all day through chat and calls. And it's not uncommon for them to demand that they "only care about you."
Jealousy and mistrust of your loyalty can also be ways love bombers try to show their 'tough love' and make you feel guilty.
If from one day to the next your partner stops being the most loving man or woman in the world and starts treating you with dryness or indifference, chances are he is cheating on you.
Of course, Huntington emphasizes that we should avoid being too suspicious. "That way most of us will live without being cheated like this."